Healing from Narcissistic Parents: Compassionate Therapy in Boulder

Narcissistic parents often engage in behaviors that are deeply damaging to their children’s emotional and psychological well-being. Their self-centeredness and need for control affect the way they interact with their kids, shaping unhealthy dynamics that can have long-term effects.

Here are some of the common things narcissistic parents do to their children:

1. Lack of Empathy

• Emotional neglect: Narcissistic parents struggle to understand or care about their children’s emotions. They often dismiss their children’s feelings, needs, or struggles, leading to emotional neglect.
• Ignoring boundaries: They fail to respect personal boundaries, treating their children as extensions of themselves rather than as individuals with their own needs.

2. Conditional Love and Approval

• Love is performance-based: Narcissistic parents often give love and approval only when their child meets certain conditions, such as achieving good grades, excelling in sports, or fulfilling the parent’s desires. Children learn that they are valued only for what they do, not for who they are.
• Withholding affection: If the child doesn’t live up to the parent’s expectations, the narcissistic parent may withhold affection, attention, or approval as a form of punishment.

3. Emotional Manipulation

• Gaslighting: Narcissistic parents frequently gaslight their children, making them doubt their reality by denying or distorting their experiences. For example, they may tell the child that they’re overreacting or imagining things when they express hurt.
• Guilt-tripping: Narcissistic parents often use guilt to manipulate their children, making them feel responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being. This creates a sense of obligation and constant fear of disappointing the parent.

4. Control and Domination

• Exerting total control: Narcissistic parents may micromanage every aspect of their child’s life, from friendships to career choices, denying them independence and autonomy. This control extends to thoughts and emotions, with the parent dictating how the child should feel or behave.
• Intrusive behavior: They often invade their children’s privacy, refusing to respect their personal space or decisions. This may include reading their child’s messages, listening in on private conversations, or dictating their relationships.

5. Using the Child for Narcissistic Supply

• Living vicariously through the child: Narcissistic parents may use their child to achieve their own unfulfilled dreams or to gain admiration from others. They push their child to succeed, not for the child’s benefit, but for their own sense of pride and accomplishment.
• Treating the child as a trophy: They may brag about their child’s achievements publicly, using them as a way to enhance their own reputation, but privately, they may be overly critical and emotionally abusive.

6. Projection of Their Own Flaws

• Blaming the child: Narcissistic parents often project their own insecurities and faults onto their children, blaming them for things that aren’t their fault. They may accuse the child of being selfish, disobedient, or ungrateful, mirroring their own behaviors.
• Creating a scapegoat: In many families with narcissistic parents, one child is singled out as the scapegoat and blamed for everything that goes wrong, while another may be the “golden child,” receiving excessive praise.

7. Failure to Respect Boundaries

• Invalidating autonomy: Narcissistic parents view their children as possessions rather than individuals. They often fail to recognize or respect their children’s independence, controlling their decisions and dismissing any attempts at asserting boundaries.
• Disregarding privacy: Personal boundaries are regularly violated by narcissistic parents, who may snoop on their child’s personal life or criticize their choices in intimate relationships.

8. Engaging in Competition

• Competing with their children: Narcissistic parents may feel threatened by their children’s success or happiness and can become envious. They may subtly or overtly compete with their children, sabotaging their efforts or downplaying their achievements.
• Undermining accomplishments: When children succeed, the narcissistic parent may respond with jealousy, minimizing or dismissing their accomplishments. This leaves the child feeling unworthy or incapable, no matter how well they perform.

9. Criticism and Verbal Abuse

• Constant criticism: Narcissistic parents often criticize everything their child does, from appearance to behavior to accomplishments. This leaves the child with low self-esteem, always feeling like they’re not good enough.
• Name-calling and belittling: Verbal abuse is common, with narcissistic parents using harsh language, insults, or belittling comments to tear down their child’s confidence.

10. Triangulation and Sibling Rivalry

• Pitting children against each other: Narcissistic parents may create rivalries between siblings by playing favorites or comparing them constantly. This creates tension, jealousy, and division among siblings, preventing them from forming strong bonds.
• Using third parties: Narcissistic parents might also triangulate by bringing in other family members, friends, or partners to side with them against the child, reinforcing their control and alienating the child.

11. Emotional Blackmail

• Using fear and obligation: Narcissistic parents frequently use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate their children into doing what they want. This might involve threats of abandonment, withdrawing love, or manipulating situations to make the child feel indebted.
• Playing the victim: They may present themselves as the victim to make their children feel responsible for their well-being, leading the child to prioritize the parent’s needs over their own.

12. Inconsistent Parenting

• Unpredictable moods: Narcissistic parents are often emotionally volatile, creating an unstable environment for their children. One moment they may shower their child with affection, and the next, they may be cold or cruel, leaving the child confused and anxious.
• Inconsistent rules: Rules may change depending on the parent’s mood, creating a confusing and chaotic environment where the child is unsure how to behave or what to expect.

 

Impact on Children

• Low self-esteem: Children of narcissistic parents often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and poor self-worth.
• Difficulty with boundaries: Growing up with a parent who disregards boundaries can make it difficult for the child to set and maintain healthy boundaries in their own relationships.
• Emotional issues: Children of narcissistic parents may develop anxiety, depression, or complex PTSD due to the emotional manipulation and abuse.
• Codependency: Many children of narcissists grow up to be people-pleasers, struggling to assert their own needs in relationships.

 

Breaking the Cycle and Healing

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave deep emotional wounds, but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. It’s important for children of narcissistic parents to seek support, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted relationships, to rebuild their sense of self-worth and learn healthy boundaries. With the right guidance, it is possible to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse and live a life rooted in self-compassion, emotional strength, and healthy relationships.

Contact Dr. Jodie Benabe at our Boulder, Colorado office for a free 20-minute phone consultation if you’re interested in individualcounseling. We are conveniently located near the University of Colorado Boulder campus and also offer telehealth throughout the state of Colorado. https://somethingwildwellness.com/contact/