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If you have ever wondered whether you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there is a good chance you are. When you are in a healthy relationship with someone who does not have narcissistic tendencies, you are unlikely to ask yourself these questions.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be a lonely place to be. It can make you doubt yourself and even question your own sanity at times. Narcissists often gaslight and manipulate you, which can make you feel alone and resentful. It is important to examine your relationships and determine whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or have been in a relationship with one to start the healing process.
What does it mean to be a narcissist?
When you think of a narcissist, your first thought may be of someone who is full of themselves and self-centered. While these are qualities of a narcissist, narcissism may show up in a lot of ways in a person. Narcissists are often charming, charismatic, and intelligent but can also be manipulative, self-centered, lack empathy, and selfish. Narcissism is a spectrum. While some people may show only a couple of signs, it is a very large part of their personality for others.
When someone has prominent narcissistic qualities, they may be diagnosed by a mental health professional with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a disorder found in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). But often, NPD goes undiagnosed because a narcissist does not see their own behaviors as problematic.
The DSM-5 has 9 diagnostic criteria for NPD, but only 5 are required for a diagnosis:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes they are special and unique and can only be understood by other special or high-status people
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of them
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
How narcissism shows up in your relationships
There’s no doubt that narcissism will affect the health of a romantic relationship. While a narcissist may not always be able to help their tendencies, marriage to a narcissist will often lead to a high-conflict divorce. It is important to note that when narcissism is severe, it can lead to emotional and sometimes even physical abuse. Read on to learn how to spot narcissism in your partner and your relationships.
Signs of narcissism in your partner
● They “love bomb” you – When your partner is a narcissist, you will often be love bombed, especially at the beginning of the relationship. Narcissists can be very charming and shower you with gifts to lure you into the relationship. Love bombing, while it may come across as very sweet, is a form of manipulation. A narcissist may love bomb after an argument or after they have been aggressive or violent towards you. When this happens, it’s part of the cycle of violence.
● They hog the conversation – Often, a narcissist will talk about themselves excessively. They will shift the conversation back to themselves whenever you talk about something that interests you or tell them about your day.
● They belittle you – Narcissists can be very critical. They don’t hesitate to undermine your accomplishments, and may be critical of your appearance or hassle you over things such as not doing the dishes immediately after dinner. A narcissist will also often be critical of strangers: they may make rude comments about the waitstaff at a restaurant or may say negative things about a stranger’s appearance.
● They fish for compliments – While we all fish for compliments occasionally, narcissists do it very frequently. You may also feel your partner is trying to “one up” you when it comes to accomplishments.
● It seems like they’re always on a power trip – Narcissists value power, and power and control in relationships go hand in hand. Some narcissists may try to control who you are friends with and isolate you from friends and family.
● Rage and aggression when things don’t go their way – Narcissists tend to view their opinions as the only valid opinion and will tend to discount yours. If you question them, they may respond with rage.
● They gaslight you – Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic. Your partner may retell an event in a way that isn’t what really happened. They may tell you that you said certain things that you never did. When this happens, it makes you question yourself. Frankly, gaslighting can make you feel like you’re going crazy.
● They aren’t loyal – Sometimes, the only person a narcissist is loyal to is themselves. It’s common to experience infidelity trauma when your ex or partner is a narcissist. As if it wasn’t traumatic enough to find out your partner was cheating, sometimes they act as if you were the one who drove them to it.
Common emotions that result from narcissistic abuse
● Guilt – When in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s typical to feel guilt. This is because narcissists often guilt trip you and make you feel the problem is your fault. You may also feel guilty for spotting negative qualities in your partner or for wanting to get out of the marriage or relationship.
● Resentfulness – Being in a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel resentful. Experiencing narcissistic abuse is exhausting, and once you begin to realize that something is not right with their behavior, it is natural to resent them for it. You also may resent yourself for not leaving the relationship or marriage, or for not leaving sooner than you did.
● Loneliness – Being in a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel helpless and alone—especially when you are married to someone who is controlling. It can also feel very lonely when you feel misunderstood by them or realize your partner does not care about your feelings.
● Feeling on edge – When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s common to feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. You don’t want to trigger a fight. This especially happens when you are the victim of narcissistic abuse.
The bottom line:
Beginning a relationship with a narcissist is the easy part: they sweep you off your feet and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world—at first, that is. But the same can’t be said for leaving a relationship with a narcissist. Going through a divorce can be one of the most challenging things anyone may face. But when you are married to a narcissist, divorce may become even more difficult.
The good news is that you don’t have to go through this alone. Starting therapy when you are contemplating leaving a narcissist or are navigating a high-conflict divorce is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Get started now with a free, 20-minute consultation: https://somethingwildwellness.com/contact/
